In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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