It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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