I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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