I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you will always have a special place in my vag
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
