my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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