Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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