This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
