I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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