he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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