cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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