my vag is so smooth its legendary
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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