I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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