Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
