Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
