I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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