I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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