My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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