It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me