i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
