either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
