dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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