Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
