Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
