o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
