took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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