I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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