I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
