Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
