Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
