i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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