I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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