I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
