He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
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If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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