I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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