listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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