Small penises have feelings too.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
