We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
