did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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