you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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