I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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