i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
