How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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