I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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