I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
