My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
