Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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