peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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