god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
