Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
