You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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