I'm really into asian looking animals
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Boobs speak an international language.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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