I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
