my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
