so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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