3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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