Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
