i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
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Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
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Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.