you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love