My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.