I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.