Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
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And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.