nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms