More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
