do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
