Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
